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I am the oldest of my three siblings, all in our late 40s. My brother has a trans son. My sister and I, and our families, love and accept him. My parents do not. My sister and brother won’t talk to my parents until they accept their grandson. I disagree with my parents but still talk to them. Is there anything I can do to help get the two sides back together?
A.C. / Walpole
But there aren’t “two sides.” You say they don’t love and support their grandson — well, then they don’t get a relationship with him. That’s what’s supposed to happen when people aren’t treated with care and respect. If your parents wanted to change the situation, they could do so at any time. Being estranged from two of their three children doesn’t seem to be enough incentive, so the only tactic I can suggest is to make it a united front, and cut contact yourself.
Admittedly, that could backfire and make them even more intransigent. People can be like that! On the other hand, the fact that you are ignoring their behavior and not more overtly taking the side of your nephew might actually be prolonging this conflict. Bigots very commonly believe that everyone else, deep down, feels as they do and are only being “politically correct” or “virtue signaling” by saying otherwise. If your parents think your siblings are simply humoring some dangerous teenage whim and everyone will get over all this nonsense eventually, your own neutral status could be bolstering that wrongheaded assumption. They’re your parents, so you are the one with the gut instinct about how they’ll react.
My extended family has an annual holiday party, taking turns hosting. This year my family offered to hold it, after which I found out my community band has our holiday concert the same night. I would be at the party for about four hours, then have to leave for about two to three hours. Anyone who wanted to could join me, and my husband would stay behind to keep the party going until I get back. Would this be rude or am I giving enough accommodations? And should I mention it in advance or just let people know that day?
J.M. / Pelham
Under normal conditions, this might be acceptable at a daylong, familial fête, and may even be somewhat charming. The rainbow crazy-quilt of life, right? The holidays, when too many forms of joy and beauty bombard us! (And which will be here before you know it, so send those questions in today.)
But we are hardly in normal conditions. By leaving your party to perform elsewhere, you’re exposing both your guests and your bandmates to a whole lot of strangers’ germs, and neither group has consented to that. Go back to the family and let them know the situation. Perhaps another family will offer to host, instead. If no one minds and you do end up hosting, let your band director know you’ll be coming directly from a large gathering.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
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Advice: What to do when family won’t accept a trans relative - The Boston Globe
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