A three-step strategy for people who cringe at the sound of praise
“You’re a really good writer.” My writing needs work.
“You’re an awesome friend.” No, you’re the great friend.
“Wow, I love your taste in music.” This is my dad’s playlist.
It’s a trap plenty of people, myself included, are guilty of falling into: Whenever a person compliments me, I deny or deflect. Friends sometimes point out this out to me and I always want to tell them I know. I hate that I do it, too. But without fail, my inner monologue goes one of two ways.
“You don’t know the whole story.” You tell me my essay is great, but you didn’t see me write five different versions of that opening sentence (and I’m still wondering if I should have stuck with version three). You liked my presentation, but you don’t realize that I lost my place halfway through and rambled off script for two minutes straight. You think I’m strong, but you haven’t seen me when I’m in an anxiety spiral at 2 a.m. If you knew all the work I have to do just to get by, you definitely would not be impressed.
“Crap, now there’s nowhere to go but down.” Great, I’ve successfully tricked you into thinking I’m worthy. Now I just have to wait for you to find out I’m a fraud. Let me make things easier for both of us by telling you right now that this was a lucky fluke. Don’t expect anything like this from me again.
Recently, though, something my friend David said stuck with me. He gave me a compliment, and in my typical fashion, I denied it. He then looked at me and asked, “Are you saying I’m lying?” (David has a knack for asking questions that cut through the fluff.)
The question was a breakthrough for me — I’d never considered that shrugging off a compliment made much of an impact on the person who gave it. But David made me realize that whenever I deny someone else’s kind words, I’m telling them: I don’t trust your judgement. You must be either insincere, trying to gain something, or simply not right in the head.
I’ve come to understand that true humility doesn’t mean denying all praise; it means having a quiet confidence in who you are. People who are humble recognize their strengths, skills, and talents, and they don’t need to be the center of attention to prove them. Jennifer, a classmate of mine in college, was one such person. Whenever I’d give Jennifer a compliment, she’d offer a quiet thank you. She wouldn’t say, “Oh, really, I’m not that impressive,” nor would she list 10 other things she was good at because we were already talking about her anyway. She would simply express gratitude that someone else recognized her strengths. Humility gave her the ability to make an accurate self-assessment, so she was able to accept both compliments and constructive criticism with grace.
I’ve been trying to do the same — to retrain my inner voice to stop denying compliments and start accepting them. (I say “retrain” because no one is born a compliment denier. When you tell a little kid their drawing is fantastic, they already know.) I still have a long way to go, but these three steps have been helping me. Maybe they’ll work for you, too.
Whenever someone offers you a compliment:
- Give gratitude for the recognition. Practice saying a simple “thank you.” Full stop. Not “thank you but…” Will this be tough at first? Whew boy, yes, but stick with it. Curb the impulse to offer a reason why you don’t deserve it. Soak in the kind words. Acknowledge the recognition and offer gratitude.
- Put yourself in the praise-giver’s shoes. Someone received joy, had a laugh, or learned something new because of something you did, and then they took the time to reach out and tell you. In doing so, they made themselves vulnerable to make you feel good. The least you could do is not shoot them down.
To accept the compliment, pretend you’re giving that compliment to another friend. Do you want the person to deny the compliment or simply feel joy? Most likely, it’s the latter. Research from the University of Kansas found that receiving compliments lights up the same area of the brain as flirting. Stop denying people the chance to give you a tiny taste of joy.
- After receiving the compliment, connect with the person. Ask them questions. Enjoy the beauty of someone finding the good inside you that you may not have recognized on your own. Use it to gain a deeper understanding of yourself. Let the compliment challenge your ingrained belief system: Maybe I’m a better person than I think I am.
Genuine compliments aren’t meant to be cause for discomfort. They’re meant to be tokens of love, and we can all use more of those right now.
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